A Fleeting Glimpse Of Perfection

I had some of the best days of my life, in the arms of somebody I will probably never see again.

On the beaches of an island of Thailand, under the most beautiful fucking stars you’ll ever see, I fell in love with the romantic impossibility of escaping reality together.

“You see that boat over there?” he asked.

“Where?”

“Right there, just by the edge of the lagoon”

“oh yes, what about it?”

“Let’s untie it, and float away, and see where we end up, then stay there.”

I laughed.

“I have a fiver in my pocket, we’ll be okay, we’ll make it”

Neither of us moved, for a moment taken with the notion of drifting into the unknown, holding each other and escaping everything else.

You’d think I’d be sad, that he lives too far away, that it’s fairly unlikely I’ll meet him again. But I’m not. Regardless, we had those perfect moments, and those moments showed me that I don’t need to settle for anything but what I truly want. So I got home, and I cut the feeble ties between me and a few guys here. No, not because I genuinely believe we can make this work, but because falling for him showed that I CAN feel again. I haven’t truly felt for a guy since J and I broke up last year, until now, and now I know it can happen again.

My faith has been restored, and I am so, so happy.

The Battle

…between your head and your heart.

You know exactly what I mean. When you know what’s the most logical option. The best option when analysed and looked at objectively. In essence, what you SHOULD do; that’s what you’re head is telling you.

Then when it’s your heart talking, you usually will have a totally irrational impulse, governed entirely by feelings and compulsion, and more often than not, by love.

And what do you follow? The safe logical option, or the stupid emotionally entangling option?

Truth is, I always follow my heart. It gets me hurt. I get fucked over and hurled back out of a twisting whirlpool of emotions, bruised and battered and lonely. 

BUT despite all of that, I’d much rather take those opportunities, follow my heart, my gut feeling, who I love… than miss out on life. I’d rather do that than date safe guys and feel nothing and march through life with everything organised down to the last minute detail. Spontaneity? Irrationality? RISKS? They’re part of life, and I intend to live to the absolute full.

The reason I write this is because it hit me just this morning the fundamental difference between somebody in my life who is very important and me. Whereas I always follow my heart, he always follows his head. It is just an interesting subject for me. 

Head or heart?

Self-Actualisation

Clarity

Maybe I’m just in a good mood. Maybe seeing my best friend all day has put a smile on my face. Maybe it was a particularly good Chinese takeaway. All I know is, right now, I feel amazing. I feel empowered.

It’s like I understand why the last few months have been so shit. I feel like it was a test of my strength, of my faith in humanity and of my progress through recovery. And you know what? I feel stronger. I feel better. I feel more secure in myself.

Less than a year ago, the last few months would have floored me. I’d have collapsed into a cycle of starvation, self harm and depression. I wouldn’t eat or sleep or talk. 

And now? Yes, I cut my wrists. Yes, I made myself sick. Yes, I went a few days without eating. But I also know for a fact that I will never cut myself again. The spells of relapse eating-wise were TEMPORARY. Here I am, less than 3 months later, feeling as good as I ever have done.

It hasn’t been sudden. I don’t look in the mirror and feel beautiful or skinny. I don’t see myself as different particularly. I don’t feel happy constantly.

But I have regained my faith in fate; my faith that my life is going somewhere. Suddenly a future I wasn’t sure I wanted has opened up before my eyes, and you know what? I can’t fucking wait. I really can’t. I feel so ready to kick start my life, ups and downs, I don’t care. I now know that I want to live not die, I want to love wholly and truly, and I want to see this world for better or worse.

The ups will outweigh the downs. I know now I’m going somewhere, and wherever it is, the ride will be amazing. 

Love

The Impossibility of Description

Try and describe love.

Imagine an alien came to earth and you had to explain the concept of love to them. What would you say?

Dictionary.com defines love as “

love

   [luhv]  Show IPA noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.

noun 1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, asfor a parent, child, or friend. 3. sexual passion or desire. 4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person;sweetheart.”

I don’t know if that quite, sums it up though.

You could describe a physical reaction? Somebody who makes your stomach feel like it’s doing somersaults and your heart rate speed up and your palms sweat.

You could describe it sexually. Somebody you just feel an intense longing to be WITH.

You could describe it in terms of the lengths you would go for love. Love is when you would do anything, absolutely anything, to keep that person happy.

I mean, maybe love is just that person you want to be with, all the time, every second of every day, and every moment spent apart is like a physical ache. 

Or maybe it’s different for different people.

I think it’s beyond our comprehension.

What is love? Am I in love?

Kaleidoscope

Painting The Picture

An eating disorder involves a plethora of colours.

White skin, pail and stretched tight over protruding bones.

Bruises, purple and blue, shot with green, blossom wherever legs and arms and stomach brush against anyone or anything.

The black darkness of shadows permanently shade the area beneath her eyes.

Red blood vessels snake their way across the eyes as she purges, bloodshot and painful.

A single tear carves a silver track down the pale cheek, containing a million thoughts and emotions.

The pink-purple of her nails, the only sign of how inexpressibly COLD she is; inside and out.

The faded red of dry lips left unkissed is a sad reminder of how alone she is.

White. Purple. Blue. Green. Black. Red. Silver. Pink. Faded Red.

Such beautiful colours, filled with such sorrow.

The Good Times Don't Last

Small Things Have Big Consequences.

Anybody noticed how one thing, one small, seemingly insignificant thing, can change everything?

How one second everything can be perfect and you can feel at peace and relaxed and happy, then the next the world collapses into dust and you’re left, stranded in the ruins of what used to be with a handful of broken promises and words left unsaid.

How something beautiful can crumble into dust in the palm of your hand…over nothing.

I want to turn back time, and I want to make it all okay.

I want to look in his eyes and feel him looking into mine, not into those others’. 

Why does everything good change? Why can’t it last?

Me

Me

I hate myself so fucking much.

Everything is just spiralling;

Everything I say pisses somebody off or fucks something up.

Everything I do is wrong.

Everything I am is worthless.

When will this end?