Understanding

The idea began when, as a clueless 13 year old in denial of any type of eating disorder throwing up three times a day, I logged on to a pro-ana site. I'd heard about them on TV, they seemed just what I needed.
No, not for thinspo, weight loss tips, or any of that other stupid shit.
I needed, wanted, yearned for understanding. A place where others would know exactly what I was feeling and putting myself through, without judging me for it.

Unfortunately, there is a stigma against those suffering from eating disorders. We are vain, or attention seeking, it's  all a "cry for help". And to be honest, I've met a few people exactly like that. I started a facebook profile specifically eating disorder related, a whole new persona, initially to vent my own feelings but then to help others. Countless times, I recieved requests on how to lose weight, people asking me for instructions about purging up food, telling me how "beautiful" being emaciated was, and how I should "keep going". These idiots would send me pictures, ask me to be diet buddies, challenge me to weight loss CONTESTS.

Yes, there are some people who fit the bill exactly. They make having an eating disorder something it really and truly isn't; they make it beautiful.

The ugly truth.

But I genuinely believe that to be a small portion of sufferers. I have met some truly brilliant people who have inspired me to take the necessary steps towards beating my demons and beginning my life again. For some people, it is about a total  lack of self esteem, a hatred of how they look, a completely distorted body image. No that isn't vanity, that's insecurity. For others, as mainly it was for me, it is a need for control. It's all too easy to feel like your life's being taken care of by other people, and you don't have a say about anything; the world is turning too fast, and in some small way, an eating disorder slows it down enough for you to catch up. It can instill order amid chaos. For a while, that can be true, until you're too far in to discover that it is the eating disorder controlling you, and drawing you further into a far more serious spiral of chaos. Some people can feel so worthless, they genuinely believe they are not good enough to eat, that they don't deserve the food in front of them. In being thin, they might hope to achieve some sort of self actualization, and feel good enough.

I'm sure everyone's experience is slightly different, but from my perspective, those three things, or more often a combination of those factors, are what contribute to an eating disorder.

So, the idea of this blog is to replace the unhealthy pro-ana community which once seemed the only source for understanding. It'll have other uses I suppose, including a particularly selfish one which might help me, venting on here. But it might also touch a nerve with some.

Here's to a brighter future.