Sex, Drugs and Rock 'N' Roll

While nursing a post-New Years hangover, the idea for this post occurred to me, but I lacked the willpower, and the stomach, to actually write it.
Now, around  October last year, I was very 'innocent' you might say. Only been very mildly drunk on a few occasions, never smoked, never done weed, never had sex, you get the idea. I mean, at 14, this is understandable, not at all abnormal. However, after plunging into the depths of anorexia after years of bullemia, I believe it was the anorexic mindset that caused me to allow all that to change.

With anorexia even more so than bullemia, I felt worthless. Maybe this was because a lack of food will inevitably lead to a poor state of mind, a total exhaustion with life, a lack of incentive to continue at all. My parents were now alerted to my self harm tendencies, and regularly checked my wrists and legs for signs of this, but I needed SOMETHING to make me feel alive. I chose risks. These risks allowed me a temporary escape, and also gave me a flicker of excitement as I rebelled from my parents.

This is a pretty normal teenage thing to do, nothing at all out of the ordinary. However, the things with lots of meaningless sexual activity is apparently something generally connected to low self esteem, and this was definitely my mindset throughout. My thought process was "I'm worthless, let them use me". And that's what I did, and that's why now I have so many regrets it is unbelievable and I wish I could go back and change so much. Not to mention the fact that even if someone wants you purely for your body, or what you are willing to do with it, sex makes you feel like somebody wants you. That is a feeling I craved, whatever the cost. Now, if people are reading this, I would think that they too are suffering from some kind of eating disorder, or depression or self harm issue. Do not allow sex to be another way of expressing your hatred for yourself, because in all honesty, you'll get to the other side and feel even worse than you did beforehand.

I was surprised to read countless blogs and articles about low self esteem being connected to such disorders as my own, and comforted to know that I'm not just "a slag" or "easy". It was a coping mechanism, just like smoking and doing weed and getting pissed off my face every other weekend. Although common, don't let yourself become yet another example okay?