Escape

***TRIGGER WARNING***
It's weird.
My hope, my interminable faith in humanity and in the people in my life, is fading.
I feel so trapped, but at the same time lost in the wilderness of my mind. It seems so impossible to explain; how every move I make feels constricted, and yet at the same time to feel as if I'm floating with no particular direction or path to follow.

I want to run away.
I want someone to recognise that the "I'm fine" "I'm just tired" "I'm not hungry" "I was just coughing, not being sick" bollocks that I dole out every fucking day is just that; a pile of bullshit. I don't think I am okay. I can't admit that, but I really am scared that this time everything won't be okay.
I want to escape, even if it's just for a while.
I want one of the people who claim to love me, who say they'll always be there, to scoop me up in their arms, and hold me tight, and tell me they love me.
I need someone to recognise how much I'm hurting because it's killing me, it really is.

This Friday was the date I'd planned to kill myself, after deciding if I was going to, I wanted to be level headed, to have thought it through, to make sure there was no chance of not dying. I won't go into details about method, but tomorrow was the date.
I realised this was a stupid idea, made plans to have my friend over. She ditched me. I asked my other mate to go to the movies with me. He can't because of "transport".

I need someone to want me enough to take me away for a few hours, to make me smile, to make me laugh.

This pain is too much and not enough.

I don't even know who I am anymore.
Truth is, if I don't find a way of escaping this awfulness in my mind, suicide will be my only escape.
I mustn't let that happen.