Irrationality

Irrationality

One of the worst things about an eating disorder, in my opinion, is its ability to break down reality, piece by piece, until your perception of normalcy has shifted so completely, you find yourself confused with what is in your head and what isn’t. 

Anorexia changes what reality is to you. My reality became different, and what had once seemed out of the ordinary, horrific, terrible to even consider… became normal. Purging, for example, started out as something huge. I’d debate and over analyse the pros and cons of chucking up my dinner, I’d write pages in a diary about how horrible it was, how it felt. It was only the other day that I realised I’ve manged to reduce it to a very mundane set of actions which I follow each time. Put the tap on or leave the shower running to cover the noise, purge for 20 minutes, wipe mouth with toilet paper, flush, rinse mouth with water, wait 5 minutes, purge some more if i still feel full, rinse mouth, wati 5 minutes, blow nose, clean teeth, re-apply mascara, put my cold hands on my eyes to cool them down, clean teeth again, drink water. It’s a routine, it’s second nature. I don’t feel the need to mention it anymore, it has just become part of what is normal to me.

This in itself shocked me. How has such a horrendous activity become so natural? How am I now immune to the burning in my throat and the pounding in my head and the taste in my mouth?

What have I become?