Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Monday, 30 January 2012
Friday, 6 January 2012
All The Things I would Say
So I know there's so much STUFF that can build up inside you that you really want to say to people, and when stuff like that gets all built up it can stress me out, don't know about the rest of you, but it does me. SO I am going to write everything here. Maybe you guys should try it, write it on a piece of paper, then think about what you can logically say or what is better left unsaid, then burn the paper.
C - "I know I hurt you, I'm so so sorry, but the truth is you found me at just the right time; you found me when nobody else was looking just when I needed you the most, thank you. I will always love you for that. I wish you could see how great you really are."
J - "You know I'm in love with you, which is why I don't fucking understand how you can keep breaking my heart over and over when you know that you don't feel the same way anymore. I'm getting over it, okay, I'm trying to anyway, but by hooking up with me you just make me fall for you all over again. Aside from that, and a few other times when you have fucked me around friendship and relationship-wise, you've been my best friend, and in all seriousness nothing will ever erase what we have been through together. Nothing. I love you, and I hope we stay friends even through college and uni"
B - "You make me feel so loved, darling, and for that I thank you. I have fun around you, even if I can't be myself, and quite a lot of the time you just make me feel small and stupid. Most of the time, you are sweet and caring and loving and I'm so sorry I can't necessarily find it in myself to reciprocate those feelings 100%"
H - "You are a DICK. We say we're friends, but every second I spend with you, I worry you're going to make another 'hilarious' mark about the fact that I starve myself or I have done regrettable things, and you're going to laugh at me and make my friends laugh at me. And I'll stand there and fucking smile, as I fight back the tears, and I'll have to eat because you've just said that. It's only when I'm broken down on the school bathroom floor coughing up blood that it'll truly hit me how fucking DEEP you cut. THINK about how your words hurt, you bastard."
Jeb - "My best girl mate, you've been with it through me most of the time. Sometimes I don't think you trust or even like me, but deep down we love each other to bits and I am very grateful to you. I think about us a lot, where we'll each end up, and where we started. We're so different, and yet that in itself has brought us together. Even if we lose touch, I will never forget you as long as I live. Love you forever."
S - "You make me laugh, but you've made me cry. Sometimes I worry you're going to really hurt yourself, so please be careful okay? I love you to bits, you make me smile on my worst days."
M - "I hope you know that I will never forget you telling me I starve myself for attention. Never. Anybody who would do this for attention is seriously a sick masochistic person, and you belittling the hardest thing I have ever had to face is something that cut pretty deep. I have forgiven you, but I'll never forget. I made myself throw up the second I read that message you know, and then didn't eat for 24 hours. If J hadn't called me, I might not even have been here. I love you now."
E - "STOP ATTENTION SEEKING. Jesus Christ, yes you have some issues but refusing to help yourself and rubbing your issues in everybody else's faces is selfish and stupid. You're egocentric and self absorbed and if you took a second to look around you, you might see you're not the only one hurting. Seriously, get a grip. Others can't help you if you don't help yourself."
D - "You take the piss, I laugh along, but in truth every time I see you I remember what you said to me 3 years ago. And I truly can't forgive you, never ever ever. I cried myself to sleep night after night, repeating what you said over and over, hating myself because of you. You don't know what I had going on at that point, how could you say those things to me?"
Mum - "I'm sorry for being such a fuck up, Mum, you deserved a beautiful daughter like R, but you've still got here. I'm sorry my issues embarass you in front of the neighbors, I am trying, I really am."
Dad - "I'm sorry about that time you were banging on the door and I didn't answer so you got made. I was throwing up blood."
R - "Please never follow your big sister down this horrible fucking road. EVER. It's not worth it, I promise you, it has ruined me, broken me, made the last few years feel impossible. So I need you to be stronger and to develop into the beautiful amazing person I know you can be. I love you more than anybody else on this whole entire planet, I'm sorry I haven't said this enough."
G - "Self centred, but good hearted deep down. You helped me through a lot during our friendship, but you also were the trigger for my worst relapse to date. You have a double personality; a really nice, caring friend, and a total attention seeking dick. Please, just pick one and stick with it, it's a total mindfuck trying to second guess which one you are."
A and O - "Just truly lovely people, I love you as my totally uncomplicated friends. You don't know about my issues, and you don't need to. Love hanging out with you guys, I feel totally carefree!"
WOW I feel better for doing that ahaha.
C - "I know I hurt you, I'm so so sorry, but the truth is you found me at just the right time; you found me when nobody else was looking just when I needed you the most, thank you. I will always love you for that. I wish you could see how great you really are."
J - "You know I'm in love with you, which is why I don't fucking understand how you can keep breaking my heart over and over when you know that you don't feel the same way anymore. I'm getting over it, okay, I'm trying to anyway, but by hooking up with me you just make me fall for you all over again. Aside from that, and a few other times when you have fucked me around friendship and relationship-wise, you've been my best friend, and in all seriousness nothing will ever erase what we have been through together. Nothing. I love you, and I hope we stay friends even through college and uni"
B - "You make me feel so loved, darling, and for that I thank you. I have fun around you, even if I can't be myself, and quite a lot of the time you just make me feel small and stupid. Most of the time, you are sweet and caring and loving and I'm so sorry I can't necessarily find it in myself to reciprocate those feelings 100%"
H - "You are a DICK. We say we're friends, but every second I spend with you, I worry you're going to make another 'hilarious' mark about the fact that I starve myself or I have done regrettable things, and you're going to laugh at me and make my friends laugh at me. And I'll stand there and fucking smile, as I fight back the tears, and I'll have to eat because you've just said that. It's only when I'm broken down on the school bathroom floor coughing up blood that it'll truly hit me how fucking DEEP you cut. THINK about how your words hurt, you bastard."
Jeb - "My best girl mate, you've been with it through me most of the time. Sometimes I don't think you trust or even like me, but deep down we love each other to bits and I am very grateful to you. I think about us a lot, where we'll each end up, and where we started. We're so different, and yet that in itself has brought us together. Even if we lose touch, I will never forget you as long as I live. Love you forever."
S - "You make me laugh, but you've made me cry. Sometimes I worry you're going to really hurt yourself, so please be careful okay? I love you to bits, you make me smile on my worst days."
M - "I hope you know that I will never forget you telling me I starve myself for attention. Never. Anybody who would do this for attention is seriously a sick masochistic person, and you belittling the hardest thing I have ever had to face is something that cut pretty deep. I have forgiven you, but I'll never forget. I made myself throw up the second I read that message you know, and then didn't eat for 24 hours. If J hadn't called me, I might not even have been here. I love you now."
E - "STOP ATTENTION SEEKING. Jesus Christ, yes you have some issues but refusing to help yourself and rubbing your issues in everybody else's faces is selfish and stupid. You're egocentric and self absorbed and if you took a second to look around you, you might see you're not the only one hurting. Seriously, get a grip. Others can't help you if you don't help yourself."
D - "You take the piss, I laugh along, but in truth every time I see you I remember what you said to me 3 years ago. And I truly can't forgive you, never ever ever. I cried myself to sleep night after night, repeating what you said over and over, hating myself because of you. You don't know what I had going on at that point, how could you say those things to me?"
Mum - "I'm sorry for being such a fuck up, Mum, you deserved a beautiful daughter like R, but you've still got here. I'm sorry my issues embarass you in front of the neighbors, I am trying, I really am."
Dad - "I'm sorry about that time you were banging on the door and I didn't answer so you got made. I was throwing up blood."
R - "Please never follow your big sister down this horrible fucking road. EVER. It's not worth it, I promise you, it has ruined me, broken me, made the last few years feel impossible. So I need you to be stronger and to develop into the beautiful amazing person I know you can be. I love you more than anybody else on this whole entire planet, I'm sorry I haven't said this enough."
G - "Self centred, but good hearted deep down. You helped me through a lot during our friendship, but you also were the trigger for my worst relapse to date. You have a double personality; a really nice, caring friend, and a total attention seeking dick. Please, just pick one and stick with it, it's a total mindfuck trying to second guess which one you are."
A and O - "Just truly lovely people, I love you as my totally uncomplicated friends. You don't know about my issues, and you don't need to. Love hanging out with you guys, I feel totally carefree!"
WOW I feel better for doing that ahaha.
Thursday, 5 January 2012
Personifying Your Eating Disorder
The issue of whether giving a name to your eating disorder (e.g. 'Ana' 'Mia' 'Ed') is a highly contentious one, so I thought it is probably a good one to write about.
I'm fairly sure the initial idea came from pro-ED sites, which is why a huge part of the eating disorder community reject the nicknames. You see girls and guys on these sites saying stuff like "Ana is my best friend" or "Mia? Where are you? I need my motivation back!". No joke, actual comments. And so the backlash against such names is totally understandable. Pro ideas are almost totally despised by people with eating disorders, for the reasons I stated in the previous post. This idea of personification is surely just another one of those ideas? I saw one person, when discussing this issue, say; "You don't give diseases names, it's sick. You don't suffer from leukemia and refer to it as "Luke"!" which is a fair point.
Personally, I am all for the personification of eating disorders. (TOTALLY PERSONAL OPINION, FEEL FREE TO DISAGREE!!). For me, it was useful in two ways. For starters, it is a fairly accurate representation of the mental schism that anorexia forges; the feeling that there are two people in your one brain. One is the sensible, rational you, saying "do you want to die? No, of course not. If you were ugly, you wouldn't have a boyfriend. Your friends don't hate you, they just invited you over. How will starving yourself help ANYTHING?". I'm sure a few of you can relate, that voice you wish you'd listened to more, rather than the other voice. "Stupid, fat bitch. Put down that apple. Will it make you happy? No. It'll make you FAT. Fatter than you already are. Stupid whore, your boyfriend doesn't really love you, nor do your friends. They will when you're thin though." You know, the voice that screams in your ears every time you try to eat. So personifying that voice helps you to separate the two, in my view. I was able to believe I wasn't the fucked up one, it was just this stupid bitch Ana, who had got inside my head and was making me act fucked up. Because it sometimes really is your eating disorder clouding your vision when you look in the mirror, or making you run to the bathroom and stick your head down the toilet after a meal.
The second reason, for me, was the idea that it was something I could BEAT, or rather, someone. Naturally competetive, yes, but the main reason is linked to the first; if it is a separate being to you, it is something you can overcome. You can never overcome what YOU are. You can overcome Mia or Ana or ED, because they are just someone you're competing with. You CAN tell them to shut up, and get out your head, and you can pick up a fork and eat just that tiny bit of pasta. Each mouthful allowed me to feel like an accomplishment; I was winning.
So for me, I totally relate to why people choose to personify their eating disorder, but in truth why should it bother anyone either way? Slagging somebody off for using Ana to describe how they aren't feeling themselves is judgement, and way out of order. In the same way, using "Ana" as some kind of fucked up motivational figure is out of order in my eyes. At the end of the day, it's others' people way of coping with an impossible state of mind, not really ours to judge.
Difficult issue, would LOVE to hear you guys' thoughts.
I'm fairly sure the initial idea came from pro-ED sites, which is why a huge part of the eating disorder community reject the nicknames. You see girls and guys on these sites saying stuff like "Ana is my best friend" or "Mia? Where are you? I need my motivation back!". No joke, actual comments. And so the backlash against such names is totally understandable. Pro ideas are almost totally despised by people with eating disorders, for the reasons I stated in the previous post. This idea of personification is surely just another one of those ideas? I saw one person, when discussing this issue, say; "You don't give diseases names, it's sick. You don't suffer from leukemia and refer to it as "Luke"!" which is a fair point.
Personally, I am all for the personification of eating disorders. (TOTALLY PERSONAL OPINION, FEEL FREE TO DISAGREE!!). For me, it was useful in two ways. For starters, it is a fairly accurate representation of the mental schism that anorexia forges; the feeling that there are two people in your one brain. One is the sensible, rational you, saying "do you want to die? No, of course not. If you were ugly, you wouldn't have a boyfriend. Your friends don't hate you, they just invited you over. How will starving yourself help ANYTHING?". I'm sure a few of you can relate, that voice you wish you'd listened to more, rather than the other voice. "Stupid, fat bitch. Put down that apple. Will it make you happy? No. It'll make you FAT. Fatter than you already are. Stupid whore, your boyfriend doesn't really love you, nor do your friends. They will when you're thin though." You know, the voice that screams in your ears every time you try to eat. So personifying that voice helps you to separate the two, in my view. I was able to believe I wasn't the fucked up one, it was just this stupid bitch Ana, who had got inside my head and was making me act fucked up. Because it sometimes really is your eating disorder clouding your vision when you look in the mirror, or making you run to the bathroom and stick your head down the toilet after a meal.
The second reason, for me, was the idea that it was something I could BEAT, or rather, someone. Naturally competetive, yes, but the main reason is linked to the first; if it is a separate being to you, it is something you can overcome. You can never overcome what YOU are. You can overcome Mia or Ana or ED, because they are just someone you're competing with. You CAN tell them to shut up, and get out your head, and you can pick up a fork and eat just that tiny bit of pasta. Each mouthful allowed me to feel like an accomplishment; I was winning.
So for me, I totally relate to why people choose to personify their eating disorder, but in truth why should it bother anyone either way? Slagging somebody off for using Ana to describe how they aren't feeling themselves is judgement, and way out of order. In the same way, using "Ana" as some kind of fucked up motivational figure is out of order in my eyes. At the end of the day, it's others' people way of coping with an impossible state of mind, not really ours to judge.
Difficult issue, would LOVE to hear you guys' thoughts.
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Wonderful in Wonderland
I have actually been meaning to dedicate a post to my fellow blogger Katie at http://katieinwonderlandx.wordpress.com/ since I started this, as she was actually the blogger who inspired me to start this in the first place. Katie's blog has been a source of inspiration in other areas too, as with powerful writing she communicates the struggles of her personal battle against her own issues and overcomes them with truly amazing strength and determination. I would really recommend reading her blog!!
Now last night, I was managing to work myself up into a state about having eaten a little too much dinner, hovering in that place between full blown breakdown or just sleeping it off. When I got into bed, I knew it would be an all night crying session, but just before I settled into the seemingly inevitable, I opened up Katie's blog. After just 6 or 7 days of this blog being up and running, Katie has nominated me as one of her "bloggers of 2011" awards! I feel so honoured, and happy, and excited about that! it cheered me right up! I put on some of my favourite music, wiped my eyes, turned off my phone and went to sleep. I am in a truly sensational mood today. Here is a HUGE thank you to Katie for making me feel worth something again, because it might seem small just writing me in a list of 15, but it's reinstilled the idea that I am headed somewhere and that this blog is worth continuing.
Thank you, so much.
Now last night, I was managing to work myself up into a state about having eaten a little too much dinner, hovering in that place between full blown breakdown or just sleeping it off. When I got into bed, I knew it would be an all night crying session, but just before I settled into the seemingly inevitable, I opened up Katie's blog. After just 6 or 7 days of this blog being up and running, Katie has nominated me as one of her "bloggers of 2011" awards! I feel so honoured, and happy, and excited about that! it cheered me right up! I put on some of my favourite music, wiped my eyes, turned off my phone and went to sleep. I am in a truly sensational mood today. Here is a HUGE thank you to Katie for making me feel worth something again, because it might seem small just writing me in a list of 15, but it's reinstilled the idea that I am headed somewhere and that this blog is worth continuing.
Thank you, so much.
Monday, 26 December 2011
New Years Resolution
First of all, hi, welcome to my blog.
I've been putting off starting a blog like this for a while now, it's always seemed pretty daunting to write totally honest blog posts, revealing my struggles and innermost feelings, all over the internet, with people reading them every day. Well, if people bother to come on the site in the first place of course! So, I made it a new years resolution, which is probably a bad idea since I never keep new years resolution. Last year, I decided I would keep my room tidy, and if I'm honest war zones probably look tidier.
However, this is a resolution I'm pretty determined to keep, and I'm a pretty determined kind of person. This blog is going to be an anonymous documentation of my struggles with anorexia, bullemia, self harm and depression, which have been demons I've been fighting since the age of 12. No, it isn't some kind of fucked up "pro-ana" thinspiration website, or some crazy self harm cult. I'm also not somebody who feels recoverED, I'm someone recoverING. I'll mess up, of course, but I also hope to inspire a few of you to fight the fight alongside me, because I know, don't ask how I just know, that there is something here worth fighting for.
If even one person takes some of this to heart, it'll have been worth it.
Speak soon :)
I've been putting off starting a blog like this for a while now, it's always seemed pretty daunting to write totally honest blog posts, revealing my struggles and innermost feelings, all over the internet, with people reading them every day. Well, if people bother to come on the site in the first place of course! So, I made it a new years resolution, which is probably a bad idea since I never keep new years resolution. Last year, I decided I would keep my room tidy, and if I'm honest war zones probably look tidier.
However, this is a resolution I'm pretty determined to keep, and I'm a pretty determined kind of person. This blog is going to be an anonymous documentation of my struggles with anorexia, bullemia, self harm and depression, which have been demons I've been fighting since the age of 12. No, it isn't some kind of fucked up "pro-ana" thinspiration website, or some crazy self harm cult. I'm also not somebody who feels recoverED, I'm someone recoverING. I'll mess up, of course, but I also hope to inspire a few of you to fight the fight alongside me, because I know, don't ask how I just know, that there is something here worth fighting for.
If even one person takes some of this to heart, it'll have been worth it.
Speak soon :)
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