2011

What. A. Year.

The best and worst of my life, full of ups and downs. I genuinely think that I am a completely different person to who I was at the end of 2010. To be honest, I haven't quite got my head around the changes I've made this year, which  go much further than the 13.5llbs I've gained.

I am a stronger person, without a doubt. I have fallen in love, and had my heart broken, I have tried, failed, succeeded, soared. I have met amazing people, and made amazing friendships I know I will remember as long as I live, long after we only exist in each other's facebook friends.

As I said in my first post, I am RUBBISH with New Years resolutions, but my one this year is pretty simple.
Live life as it comes.

Happy New Years :)

Interesting

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2076730/Eating-disorders-Too-fat-illness.html

Different perspective?

Letting People In

This has been and remains today the hardest part of the entire process for me. Innitially, I went through about a year and a half of bullemia, totally alone, not talking to anybody. Then, I chose to tell this one guy, let's call him G, which was a mistake. He was my boyfriend, and when he ended it, he used this knowledge to humiliate me. The progress I had made while our relationship lasted was well and truly reversed, and I plunged into anorexia with renewed vigour, reaching my lowest weight, passing out, my parents found out after a friend called the police as she worried I was suicidal, and I was put in psychiatric care. My psych threatened inpatient care if I lost anymore weight, which bumpstarted this struggle for recovery nearly a year ago now.

This time, I understood more about the pressures of coping alone, but also how a total reliance on one individual was, to be frank, stupid. I trusted a group of 4 or 5 friends, who I would talk to about how I was feeling, and would in turn be a shoulder for them to cry on. Trusting these  people did nothing short than transform my entire world. A new closeness was achieved with them, achieved by allowing myself to become vulnerable. My best friend, J, is who I particularly attribute my recovery weight gain and general more positive state of mind to. He was a huge help, indescribably amazing when I needed him most.

My biggest fear when I first considered telling people was "what if they don't believe me, because I'm too fat to have issues with eating?". I should also add that until December of last year, I denied ever having an  eating disorder, believing that to have an eating disorder, I needed to be skinny. My disfunctional mind wouldn't allow me to believe that being 'severely underweight' and quickly spiraling to a point where I needed hospital treatment because my BMI was so low was "skinny". In hindsight, I see that was just fucking stupid really.

So, if that's what's going through your mind? Put it in perspective. It is the eating disorder talking.

Letting people in has to be a two way thing though. I myself always have endeavoured to be there for my friends, one of which was severely depressed. She came to rely on me, to lean on me, to tell me all her problems. Which would have been fine, if she had let me talk to her once in a while. Whenever I tried, she would tell me she "couldn't cope with hearing my problems right now" because it "wasn't helping her". I always make sure I am never that person, and as much as people allow me to talk to them, I will always be there for my friends too. That has to be something you are prepared to do.

Although they won't read it or know who I am, thanks you guys. You saved me.

Start off this new year by doing something positive, and trusting in others as well as yourself.

Understanding

The idea began when, as a clueless 13 year old in denial of any type of eating disorder throwing up three times a day, I logged on to a pro-ana site. I'd heard about them on TV, they seemed just what I needed.
No, not for thinspo, weight loss tips, or any of that other stupid shit.
I needed, wanted, yearned for understanding. A place where others would know exactly what I was feeling and putting myself through, without judging me for it.

Unfortunately, there is a stigma against those suffering from eating disorders. We are vain, or attention seeking, it's  all a "cry for help". And to be honest, I've met a few people exactly like that. I started a facebook profile specifically eating disorder related, a whole new persona, initially to vent my own feelings but then to help others. Countless times, I recieved requests on how to lose weight, people asking me for instructions about purging up food, telling me how "beautiful" being emaciated was, and how I should "keep going". These idiots would send me pictures, ask me to be diet buddies, challenge me to weight loss CONTESTS.

Yes, there are some people who fit the bill exactly. They make having an eating disorder something it really and truly isn't; they make it beautiful.

The ugly truth.

But I genuinely believe that to be a small portion of sufferers. I have met some truly brilliant people who have inspired me to take the necessary steps towards beating my demons and beginning my life again. For some people, it is about a total  lack of self esteem, a hatred of how they look, a completely distorted body image. No that isn't vanity, that's insecurity. For others, as mainly it was for me, it is a need for control. It's all too easy to feel like your life's being taken care of by other people, and you don't have a say about anything; the world is turning too fast, and in some small way, an eating disorder slows it down enough for you to catch up. It can instill order amid chaos. For a while, that can be true, until you're too far in to discover that it is the eating disorder controlling you, and drawing you further into a far more serious spiral of chaos. Some people can feel so worthless, they genuinely believe they are not good enough to eat, that they don't deserve the food in front of them. In being thin, they might hope to achieve some sort of self actualization, and feel good enough.

I'm sure everyone's experience is slightly different, but from my perspective, those three things, or more often a combination of those factors, are what contribute to an eating disorder.

So, the idea of this blog is to replace the unhealthy pro-ana community which once seemed the only source for understanding. It'll have other uses I suppose, including a particularly selfish one which might help me, venting on here. But it might also touch a nerve with some.

Here's to a brighter future.

New Years Resolution

First of all, hi, welcome to my blog.
I've been putting off starting a blog like this for a while now, it's always seemed pretty daunting to write totally honest blog posts, revealing my struggles and innermost feelings, all over the internet, with people reading them every day. Well, if people bother to come on the site in the first place of course! So, I made it a new years resolution, which is probably a bad idea since I never keep new years resolution. Last year, I decided I would keep my room tidy, and if I'm honest war zones probably look tidier.

However, this is a resolution I'm pretty determined to keep, and I'm a pretty determined kind of person. This blog is going to be an anonymous documentation of my struggles with anorexia, bullemia, self harm and depression, which have been demons I've been fighting since the age of 12. No, it isn't some kind of fucked up "pro-ana" thinspiration website, or some crazy self harm cult. I'm also not somebody who feels recoverED, I'm someone recoverING. I'll mess up, of course, but I also hope to inspire a few of you to fight the fight alongside me, because I know, don't ask how I just know, that there is something here worth fighting for.

If even one person takes some of this to heart, it'll have been worth it.
Speak soon :)