All The Things I would Say

So I know there's so much STUFF that can build up inside you that you really want to say to people, and when stuff like that gets all built up it can stress me out, don't know about the rest of you, but it does me. SO I am going to write everything here. Maybe you guys should try it, write it on a piece of paper, then think about what you can logically say or what is better left unsaid, then burn the paper.

C - "I know I hurt you, I'm so so sorry, but the truth is you found me at just the right time; you found me when nobody else was looking just when I needed you the most, thank you. I will always love you for that. I wish you could see how great you really are."

J - "You know I'm in love with you, which is why I don't fucking understand how you can keep breaking my heart over and over when you know that you don't feel the same way anymore. I'm getting over it, okay, I'm trying to anyway, but by hooking up with me you just make me fall for you all over again. Aside from that, and a few other times when you have fucked me around friendship and relationship-wise, you've been my best friend, and in all seriousness nothing will ever erase what we have been through together. Nothing. I love you, and I hope we stay friends even through college and uni"

B - "You make me feel so loved, darling, and for that I thank you. I have fun around you, even if I can't be myself, and quite a lot of the time you just make me feel small and stupid. Most of the time, you are sweet and caring and loving and I'm so sorry I can't necessarily find it in myself to reciprocate those feelings 100%"

H - "You are a DICK. We say we're friends, but every second I spend with you, I worry you're going to make another 'hilarious' mark about the fact that I starve myself or I have done regrettable things, and you're going to laugh at me and make my friends laugh at me. And I'll stand there and fucking smile, as I fight back the tears, and I'll have to eat because you've just said  that. It's only when I'm broken down on the school bathroom floor coughing up blood that it'll truly hit me how fucking DEEP you cut. THINK about how your words hurt, you bastard."

Jeb - "My best girl mate, you've been with it through me most of the time. Sometimes I don't think you trust or even like me, but deep down we love each other to bits and I am very grateful to you. I think about us a lot, where we'll each end up, and where we started. We're so different, and yet that in itself has brought us together. Even if we lose touch, I will never forget you as long as I live. Love you forever."

S - "You make me laugh, but you've made me cry. Sometimes I worry you're going to really hurt yourself, so please be careful okay? I love you to bits, you make me smile on my worst days."

M - "I hope you know that I will never forget you telling me I starve myself for attention. Never. Anybody who would do this for attention is seriously a sick masochistic person, and you belittling the hardest thing I have ever had to face is something that cut pretty deep. I have forgiven you, but I'll never forget. I made myself throw up the second I read that message you know, and then didn't eat for 24 hours. If J hadn't called me, I might not even have been here. I love you now."

E - "STOP ATTENTION SEEKING. Jesus Christ, yes you have some issues but refusing to help yourself and rubbing your issues in everybody else's faces is selfish and stupid. You're egocentric and self absorbed and if you took a second to look around you, you might see you're not the only one hurting. Seriously, get a grip. Others can't help you if you don't help yourself."

D - "You take the piss, I laugh along, but in truth every time I see you I remember what you said to me 3 years ago. And I truly can't forgive you, never ever ever. I cried myself to sleep night after night, repeating what you said over and over, hating myself because of you. You don't know what I had going on at that point,  how could you say those things to me?"

Mum - "I'm sorry for being such a fuck up, Mum, you deserved a beautiful daughter like R, but you've still got here. I'm sorry my issues embarass you in front of the neighbors, I am trying, I really am."

Dad - "I'm sorry about that time you were banging on the door and I didn't answer so you got made. I was throwing up blood."

R - "Please never follow your big sister down this horrible fucking road. EVER. It's not worth it, I promise you, it has ruined me, broken me, made the last few years feel impossible. So I need you to be stronger and to develop into the beautiful amazing person I know you can be. I love you more than anybody else on this whole entire planet, I'm sorry I haven't said this enough."

G - "Self centred, but good hearted deep down. You helped me through a lot during our friendship, but you also were the trigger for my worst relapse to date. You have a double personality; a really nice, caring friend, and a total attention seeking dick. Please, just pick one and stick with it, it's a total mindfuck trying to second guess which one you are."

A and O - "Just truly lovely people, I love you as my totally uncomplicated friends. You don't know about my issues, and you don't need to. Love hanging out with you guys, I feel totally carefree!"

WOW I feel better for doing that ahaha.

R

This thought alone terrifies me. I refused to allow her to come to the family consultation with my psych, I hide everything I possibly can from her, so she thinks I don’t trust her.

I do, I love you so much R. I just can’t handle the idea that you’ll follow your big sister.

BIG sister.

I’ll recover for you :(

Don't be like me, R.

Personifying Your Eating Disorder

The issue of whether giving a name to your eating disorder (e.g. 'Ana' 'Mia' 'Ed') is a highly contentious one, so I thought it is probably a good one to write about.

I'm fairly sure the initial idea came from pro-ED sites, which is why a huge part of the eating disorder community reject the nicknames. You see girls and guys on these sites saying stuff like "Ana is my best friend" or "Mia? Where are you? I need my motivation back!". No joke, actual comments. And so the backlash against such names is  totally understandable. Pro ideas are almost totally despised by people with eating disorders, for the reasons I stated in the previous post. This idea of personification is surely just another one of those ideas? I saw one person, when discussing this issue, say; "You don't give diseases names, it's sick. You don't suffer from leukemia and refer to it as "Luke"!" which is a fair point.

Personally, I am all for the personification of eating disorders. (TOTALLY PERSONAL OPINION, FEEL FREE TO DISAGREE!!). For me, it was useful in two ways. For starters, it is a fairly accurate representation of the mental schism that anorexia forges; the feeling that there are two people in your one brain. One is the sensible, rational you, saying "do you want to die? No, of course not. If you were ugly, you wouldn't have a boyfriend. Your friends don't hate you, they just invited you over. How will starving yourself help ANYTHING?". I'm sure a few of you can relate, that voice you wish you'd listened to more, rather than the other voice. "Stupid, fat bitch. Put down that apple. Will it make you happy? No. It'll make you FAT. Fatter than you already are. Stupid whore, your boyfriend doesn't really love you, nor do your friends. They will when you're thin though." You know, the voice that screams in your ears every time you try to eat. So personifying that voice helps you to separate the two, in my view. I was able to believe I wasn't the fucked up one, it was just this stupid bitch Ana, who had got inside my head and was making me act fucked up. Because it sometimes really is your eating disorder clouding your vision when you look in the mirror, or making you run to the bathroom and stick your head down the toilet after a meal.

The second reason, for me, was the idea that it was something I could BEAT, or rather, someone. Naturally competetive, yes, but the main reason is linked to the first; if it is a separate being to you, it is something you can overcome. You can never overcome what YOU are. You can overcome Mia or Ana or ED, because they are just someone you're competing with. You CAN tell them to shut up, and get out your head, and you can pick up a fork and eat just that tiny bit of pasta. Each mouthful allowed me to feel like an accomplishment; I was winning.

So for me, I totally relate to why people choose to personify their eating disorder, but in truth why should it bother anyone either way? Slagging somebody off for using Ana to describe how they aren't feeling themselves is judgement, and way out of order. In the same way, using "Ana" as some kind of fucked up motivational figure is out of order in my eyes. At the end of the day, it's others' people way of coping with an impossible state of mind, not really ours to judge.

Difficult issue, would LOVE to hear you guys' thoughts.

My Smile

So, yesterday after having braces for 2 and a half years, I finally got them removed. "Big whoop" you might be thinking... But I have pictured this moment where I could confidently smile ever since the second I got them on. And now I can, my teeth are straight and yes I feel confident. But, I don't think that's down to getting my braces off.

It's not just straight teeth and carefully applied lipgloss - I think it's something more. When something small changes, you automatically shine from within, and that happiness makes you feel more beautiful, and look more beautiful to other people. I got lots of compliments from my friends as I flashed them toothy grins at a party last night, but I think it was the smile in my eyes and the smile about my whole persona that made them feel the need to say something.

My smile went missing, along with a huge part of me, when I was truly in the grip of anorexia. My friend J said something, which I will never forget. Ever.
"Maybe it is the weight loss, the gaunt face, the sunken eyes... but I don't think so. Something's changed. Your glow has gone, the glow you used to light up a room with... it's just not here anymore"
I think I still have the message saved on my phone, because in all seriousness that was one of the things I had never considered. On my quest for "beauty" and "control" I had managed to achieve ugliness through the sheer misery I was putting myself through.

A common misconception? Eating disorders are not glamorous or beautiful. For some reason, people seem to believe that anorexia has placed the vital chihuahua as the latest celebrity accessory. This thinspo shit pisses me off beyond belief, how somebody can promote a mental health illness as desirable is totally beyond me. Anybody who needs "thinspiration" or who relies on it for "motivation" does not have an eating disorder. They're following a fad, they're somebody with poor body image, but in my eyes that's not an eating disorder. Eating disorders are disgusting. Quite apart from the physical horrors your body goes through (google it, I won't go into detail), the light behind your eyes is dulled. You have no energy, no spark, no enthusiasm for anything but reducing the number on the scale.

So, treat yourself. Dye your hair, splash out on a new top, do your hair extra nice. Allow yourself to walk down the street with your shoulders back and your head held high with that eating-disorder-I'm-kickin'-some-serious-ass kinda attitude. Don't let that bullshit "once I'm thin I'll be beautiful and happy and successful and confident" fool ya. You'll feel sad and lost, look emaciated and unattractive, and life will all be in black and white.

The truth is, now I have my smile back, I feel almost happy. Something I haven't felt in a long time.

Smile chicas.

Wonderful in Wonderland

I have actually been meaning to dedicate a post to my fellow blogger Katie at http://katieinwonderlandx.wordpress.com/ since I started this, as she was actually the blogger who inspired me to start this in the first place. Katie's blog has been a source of inspiration in other areas too, as with powerful writing she communicates the struggles of her personal battle against her own issues and overcomes them with truly amazing strength and determination. I would really recommend reading her blog!!

Now last night, I was managing to work myself up into a state about having eaten a little too much dinner, hovering in that place between full blown breakdown or just sleeping it off. When I got into bed, I knew it would be an all night crying session, but just before I settled into the seemingly inevitable, I opened up Katie's blog. After just 6 or 7 days of this blog being up and running, Katie has nominated me as one of her "bloggers of 2011" awards! I feel so honoured, and happy, and excited about that! it cheered me right up! I put on some of my favourite music, wiped my eyes, turned off my phone and went to sleep. I am in a truly sensational mood today. Here is a HUGE thank you to Katie for making me feel worth something again, because it might seem small just writing me in a list of 15, but it's reinstilled the idea that I am headed somewhere and that this blog is worth continuing.

Thank you, so much.

Tumblr

For the Tumblr-ites among you:

www.recovery-roundabouts.tumblr.com

Sex, Drugs and Rock 'N' Roll

While nursing a post-New Years hangover, the idea for this post occurred to me, but I lacked the willpower, and the stomach, to actually write it.
Now, around  October last year, I was very 'innocent' you might say. Only been very mildly drunk on a few occasions, never smoked, never done weed, never had sex, you get the idea. I mean, at 14, this is understandable, not at all abnormal. However, after plunging into the depths of anorexia after years of bullemia, I believe it was the anorexic mindset that caused me to allow all that to change.

With anorexia even more so than bullemia, I felt worthless. Maybe this was because a lack of food will inevitably lead to a poor state of mind, a total exhaustion with life, a lack of incentive to continue at all. My parents were now alerted to my self harm tendencies, and regularly checked my wrists and legs for signs of this, but I needed SOMETHING to make me feel alive. I chose risks. These risks allowed me a temporary escape, and also gave me a flicker of excitement as I rebelled from my parents.

This is a pretty normal teenage thing to do, nothing at all out of the ordinary. However, the things with lots of meaningless sexual activity is apparently something generally connected to low self esteem, and this was definitely my mindset throughout. My thought process was "I'm worthless, let them use me". And that's what I did, and that's why now I have so many regrets it is unbelievable and I wish I could go back and change so much. Not to mention the fact that even if someone wants you purely for your body, or what you are willing to do with it, sex makes you feel like somebody wants you. That is a feeling I craved, whatever the cost. Now, if people are reading this, I would think that they too are suffering from some kind of eating disorder, or depression or self harm issue. Do not allow sex to be another way of expressing your hatred for yourself, because in all honesty, you'll get to the other side and feel even worse than you did beforehand.

I was surprised to read countless blogs and articles about low self esteem being connected to such disorders as my own, and comforted to know that I'm not just "a slag" or "easy". It was a coping mechanism, just like smoking and doing weed and getting pissed off my face every other weekend. Although common, don't let yourself become yet another example okay?