Self-Actualisation

Clarity

Maybe I’m just in a good mood. Maybe seeing my best friend all day has put a smile on my face. Maybe it was a particularly good Chinese takeaway. All I know is, right now, I feel amazing. I feel empowered.

It’s like I understand why the last few months have been so shit. I feel like it was a test of my strength, of my faith in humanity and of my progress through recovery. And you know what? I feel stronger. I feel better. I feel more secure in myself.

Less than a year ago, the last few months would have floored me. I’d have collapsed into a cycle of starvation, self harm and depression. I wouldn’t eat or sleep or talk. 

And now? Yes, I cut my wrists. Yes, I made myself sick. Yes, I went a few days without eating. But I also know for a fact that I will never cut myself again. The spells of relapse eating-wise were TEMPORARY. Here I am, less than 3 months later, feeling as good as I ever have done.

It hasn’t been sudden. I don’t look in the mirror and feel beautiful or skinny. I don’t see myself as different particularly. I don’t feel happy constantly.

But I have regained my faith in fate; my faith that my life is going somewhere. Suddenly a future I wasn’t sure I wanted has opened up before my eyes, and you know what? I can’t fucking wait. I really can’t. I feel so ready to kick start my life, ups and downs, I don’t care. I now know that I want to live not die, I want to love wholly and truly, and I want to see this world for better or worse.

The ups will outweigh the downs. I know now I’m going somewhere, and wherever it is, the ride will be amazing.